Survivor Poetry Please feel free to email me any poetry you have written in your healing process and I will add it to my page. Art is an amazing escape for many people. If you have any artwork you created in your healing process that you want to share please feel to send that to me as well. Twenty-four long years on this earth, and still no one knows how much it hurts. I keep the awful truth hidden inside, as I let friends pass me by. Feeling distant and feeling spaced, no longer part of the human race. Where is that girl I used to know, where did all her strength go? One night and one mistake, how much abuse do I need to take? Even though he isn't here, I can still feel his breath on my ear. All the awful things he said, bounce around inside my head. When will I let people in, and realize it's not my sin? My prayer at night is always the same, that during the night I will finally die of shame. All I want is one person to understand, to talk to me and hold my hand. Instead I sit here with my tears, fearful of the next twenty-four years. My friends don't like the way I act, but I can't bring the old me back. Until I can deal with the past, no relationsip can last. So I must try to open up, and trust my friends to pick me up. So a promise to myself today, I will find a better way. - Nikki Waste of a beautiful girl she used to be a dreamer in a small country town she dreamed of finding love and settling down she was a pretty little girl, blonde hair and blue eyes back then she was innocent, not beaten by lies to become a success was her longterm plan erased in an instant by angry man's hand four years she would spend sitting alone her love held her captive in her own home and the guys passing by said such a waste a secluded young girl with a beautiful face maybe someday she'll get out of this place she finally bent the bars of her cage no longer held by her lovers rage she decided to get back to her dreams but life is never as it seems forced to the floor and then to the bed her sight went dim and her body played dead as her friends passed by they said such a waste an outgoing young girl took a fall from grace maybe someday the light will come back to her face alone with her nightmares and her pain she would never be the same again all her neighbors heard the sound of a fallen angel touching the ground as her mother passed by she said such a waste looking down at the girl surrounded by lace surely there is a better way out of this place ~Nikki Drowning in Sadness Building up inside my chest cannot seem to take a breath can you drowned in pain and shame? face pushed down in all the blame parts of sadness fill my day I cannot seem to get away I've picked the pieces up before I cannot do it anymore I feel much heavier today so much more than yesterday Who knew pain carried so much weight Is it more than I can take? A rock is forming in my chest against my heart it seems to press A fear I have when I get older will this pain become a boulder? ~Nikki as i lay here in my silence the darkness seems too deep for me to ever escape as i wait for my turn to weep as time goes by the night still pains me when my willful trust was violated so hastily i refuse my voice as friends wonder why i'm not the same anymore and why i always cry but i finally realized that it wasnt my mistake and i needed to talk again for my well-being was at stake things are looking brighter a little more each day as my friends help me slowly ridding me of dismay. ~~~~~~ ~Elise Look at me Now that I am sitting here in your coldness. Look at me now while I breath in your slavery. While I lay in black as if it were the mother of all colors. As the days flash back to the next and forth again. I'm done with you, now I am treated like a rag doll. To analyze your suction, to try again some other day. If I'm nothing but a doll, please let me know. Look at me now, now that the drugs have eaten away. Away at your artificial exsistance. -Haullie Nothing Can Stop Me Now No cast iron shell over this flesh her flesh was a pretty pink. And cold like the orange but nothing can stop me now nothing can stop me now nothing can stop me now, because I feel -Haullie HIM HE ONLY HAS ONE NAME HE DOES NOT NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE HE ONLY WANTS SATISFYING HE DANCES WITH YOU HE KNOWS YOUR NAME HE SEE'S YOU HAS HIS PREY HE KNOWS YOU BY FACE HE WILL GRAB YOU WHEN YOU SAY NO HE WILL STALK YOU AFTERWARDS HE MAKES YOU GO INTO A STATE OF SILENCE HE SAYS SHE WAS WILLING SHE KNOWS IT WASN'T HE WILL BE FREE TO DO IT AGAIN. ~Terri I’m laying here in my comfy bed It doesn't help... I can’t get this shit out of my head Will it ever go away? Or is it here to stay? I have to live with this for the rest of my life... Gotta put up with everyone’s gripe Gods here for me he’s pulling me through But will this deep fear ever go away? When will my head quit spinning? When will my body quit shaking? When will I be me again? When will I look forward to the day ahead? When will I realize it wasn’t my fault? That he did this to me... And had no right at all! But still I bet he actually sleeps at night... I bet his nightmares aren’t as bad as mine (If he has any @ all) I bet he doesn’t have flashbacks that make him SCREAM and CRY And BREAK DOWN and wanna DIE! I bet when he's out having fun he doesn't all of a sudden feel real glum! I’m so scared not even my own mother can help me She’s even scared herself Could you imagine your own daughter being raped by someone you invited into your house? Someone who put on an act just to get you out! I bet he doesn’t have to watch his mom cry (B/c she thinks its all her fault b/c she trusted the guy) Shit…I bet he has never seen his dad cry Well…for the 1st time…I have! He’s ruined my life and I want it back so bad I know I can get it back but it ain’t gonna be the same Maybe that’s a good thing... Maybe not… I don’t want people to feel sorry for me I don’t want people to hate me I didn’t do anything wrong… So why do people yell at me? Call me a bitch? I can’t explain the feelings inside me right now Their deep soooo deep too deep I can’t even cry anymore I’ve cried so much! But whats weird is I have so many tears left! So Im sitting here with this dumbass look on my face Wondering…what the hell…why me? Why do I have to hurt like this? This hurts more than loosing a loved one… Well…I guess its b/c lost a piece of myself… I hate him for this… Just think… If he didn’t exsist… I would be fine and wouldn’t be going through this shit… My life would be so much better… But Gods doing this to me for some reason And hopefully I’ll find out what that good reason is………. By Ashlee B.